I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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