Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
