dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
