I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize