hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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