i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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