There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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