i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
