He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
