I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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