Moan for me like Helen Keller
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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