he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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