I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
