my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
