Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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