How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
