I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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