I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
50% drunk capacity currently
Randomize
