if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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