My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Less talking, more tequila
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
