Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize