that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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