I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize