I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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