The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
