I'm so fucking centered right now
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
