You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
