it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
