I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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