I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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