i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
