You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
