she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am one with the molecules
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
