Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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