All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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