I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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