I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
