I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
