I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There's always time for handjobs
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
