meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
