paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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