listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
