I bet he comes in French.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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