I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
