my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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