sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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