pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
