I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
