On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude i'm inner monologue high
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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