i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
