i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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