I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
