Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
