Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
