Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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