sarcasm needs its own font
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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