atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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