I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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