I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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