I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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