He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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