i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
