I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
